


House Lights to Half!

by WaywardSun1



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Humor, In Character, Modern AU, Silly, Theater - Freeform, Written Like A Script
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 18:02:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12086403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardSun1/pseuds/WaywardSun1
Summary: Inspired by Season 4 Benjamin "Respect My Authoritah" TallmadgeOur boys in blue and red are in final dress rehearsals for a new play being funded by Congress, who are on their way to the theater to see if it was money well spent. To put it mildly, things are not going well for poor Ben Tallmadge, the frazzled and rapidly panicking young director.Come for a resentful Benedict Arnold on followspot, and stay for George Washington being a forgetful diva.(This story is based on my own personal experiences in the sometimes crazy world of volunteer community theater.)





	House Lights to Half!

 THE CREW   
Ben Tallmadge: Director  
Alexander Hamilton: Assistant Director  
Robert Townsend: Stagehand  
Abraham Woodhull: Prop guy  
Caleb Brewster: Sound guy  
Benedict Arnold: follow spot & lights  
Anna Strong: costumes

THE CAST  
George Washington  
Charles Lee  
John Andre  
John Graves Simcoe  
  
Congress: The Scary Producers  
  
[IMPORTANT NOTE: the "god mic" is a microphone & speakers used by production leads which is live during rehearsals and can be heard throughout the entire theater]

"""""""""""""""""""

  
SETUP: Everyone is running around onstage and offstage in preparation for a final dress rehearsal in front of their benefactors and producers: the United States Congress. Ben is the director, and is frazzled and desperate. He is standing in the middle of the stage with his clipboard, teetering on the edge of a panic attack.

  
  
Ben: Ten minutes! Places in ten minutes! Where is the bowl of eggs for the back table? Props! Abe!  
  
Abe [pops out of stage left]: What eggs? I don't know about any eggs.  
  
Townsend [from stage right]: They're in the green room, on the plate warmer. I'll go get them.  
  
George: Speaking of warmth, someone get me my cloak!  
  
Ben: George, your costume doesn't include a cloak in this scene. You're supposed to be in a gym.  
  
George: Don't care. I want my cloak. I haven't felt warm since Valley Forge.  
  
Ben: No. Benedict, are you ready in the light booth yet?  
  
Arnold [over the god mic]: Of course I am. Spotlighting other people's hard work is the highlight of my life. Not.  
  
George: Cloak. Now.  
  
Anna [running in from offstage]: Got it. Here you go.  
  
Ben: Anna, wait.  
  
Anna: For god's sake Ben, it's just a rehearsal.  
  
Ben: It's a dress rehearsal, we just can't…oh, fuck it. Let's move on to the sound check. CALEB! Are you in the sound booth?  
  
Caleb [on the god mic]: Aye. How do I sound, Tallboy? Can you hear me now? Boop-boopty-boop!  
  
Ben: I don't care you how _you_ sound! I want to hear the actors. George. Say something.  
  
George: Something.  
  
Ben: I can't hear anything. Did you turn your mic on?  
  
George: What mic?  
  
Ben: For god's sake. Caleb! Stop shirking your duties and come down to mic the actors!  
  
Caleb: Shite. Coming!  
  
John Andre [walking on stage]: Is it alright if I just wear my stockings in this scene?  
  
Ben: No! Where are your boots?  
  
John: Some thugs jumped me in the alley and pulled them off. This is a rough part of town for a theater. They also took my script.  
  
Benedict [on god mic]: That was MY copy of the script! Damn it, John.  
  
Ben: We've been in rehearsals for weeks. You shouldn't need your script anyway.  
  
John: But now all my doodles are gone.  
  
Arnold: You drew all over my script?!  
  
John: Indeed. Don't want it back now, do you?  
  
Arnold [grumbling to himself]: I knew it.  
  
Ben: John, we'll get you some new boots. Go put something on your feet, I don't care what.  
  
Caleb: George, time to mic you up. You gotta take your cloak off first, though.  
  
George: Cloak stays on.  
  
Caleb: Off  
  
George: On  
  
Ben  & Caleb: OFF!  
  
George: I need to go pout for a moment while I consider your proposal. [walks offstage]  
  
Ben: ABE! Where the hell are those eggs?  
  
Abe: What eggs? I don't have any eggs, who said I have eggs?  
  
Townsend: I've got them!  
  
Ben: Those are white. I wanted the brown ones.  
  
Townsend: There was something very suspicious about those brown ones. I cracked them all.  
  
Ben: Did you find anything strange?  
  
Townsend: I'll never tell.  
  
Ben: Fine. White eggs it is. We're also missing the newspaper, will you find it, please? CALEB!  
  
Caleb [from the wings]: WHAT?  
  
Ben: How are we coming on those microphones?  
  
Caleb [into George's microphone]: GEORGIE WON'T TAKE HIS CLOAK OFF.  
  
Ben: For fuck's sake. Put it on over the cloak, then! We'll do it properly tomorrow. Simcoe? Where's Simcoe?  
  
Simcoe: Right behind you, Tall-madge.  
  
Ben [jumps]: Holy mother of…don't sneak up on me like that, please. Are you mic'd up?  
  
Simcoe: Yes. Is this thing on? CALEB. CALEB. CALEB.  
  
Caleb [screaming from the wings]: Yes, it's on!  
  
George [over his microphone]: Places, everyone!  
  
Ben: George, I'm the director! I call places. And we're not ready yet. Benedict!  
  
Arnold: What?  
  
Ben: Let's cue up that first spotlight on John. I think we need to dim it a bit. It was way too bright.  
  
Arnold: I could not agree more.   
  
Ben: John Andre! Come out here, please. Thank you. Stand there on your mark. Benedict, ready with the follow spot?  
  
Arnold: Aye. Dimming…  
  
[theater goes pitch black] [loud sound of things falling and breaking backstage] [dead silence]  
  
Ben: That was…a bit much. Bring it up, Benedict. More. More. Seriously, what are you doing?  
  
Arnold: I think this is fine.  
  
Ben: We can barely see John at all!  
  
Arnold: That's why it's fine.  
  
Ben: No it's not. Bring it up to 80% and stop fooling around.  
  
Arnold: Alright. But any brighter and I'm going to accept that job offer with the Union Jack Theater.  
  
Ben: Fine, 80% is good. John, why are you wearing bunny slippers?  
  
John: They're Philomena's. It was all I could find on short notice.  
  
[Ben's phone rings]  
  
Ben: Oh god, it's Congress. Oh my god. Quiet everyone! Hello? Yes, we're ready. See you soon.  
  
George: They didn't want to talk to me?  
  
Ben: NO. They're on the way to watch this final rehearsal, and we're falling apart! Who's not ready?  
  
Charles Lee [from backstage]: I just shat my pants.  
  
Ben: Alright, we can handle that. You're not even in Act 1. Plenty of time to change.  
  
Charles [walks out onstage]: Already did. I'm a general, wheeeeeee!  
  
Ben: For god's sake, Charles, that's the British general's costume! Get backstage and change. You're on the American side!   
  
Charles: Are you sure about that, Tallmadge?  
  
Ben: I said, get backstage! Townsend, where's that newspaper I asked for?  
  
Townsend [strolls out from the wings]: Right here. Look, it says there's a sale on three varieties of French lace.  
  
Ben: That's…great. Place it on the table, please.  
  
Townsend: The coupon expires tonight. Can I leave during Act 2?  
  
Ben: No. We need you, you are a critical part of this production, even if the audience never sees you or appreciates you. Abe! Please go and talk Robert into staying.  
  
Abe: But who's going to talk me into staying, first?  
  
Ben: Probably me, again. CALEB! How are we doing?  
  
Caleb: Microphones are live! Going back up to the sound booth.  
  
Ben: Thank god. Sound check time, again. All cast onstage, please! Benedict! House lights up!  
  
Anna: Ben, Congress just pulled up outside.  
  
Ben: For god's sake, stall them Anna. There's a bottle of French raspberry brandy in the green room, go offer it to them. Please. I just need five minutes.  
  
Caleb [on the god mic]: Ready for the sound check, Ben.  
  
Ben: Thank you. Cast, where in god's name are you? Get out here!  
  
[they file out onto the stage]  
  
Ben: Thank you. Let's go, starting with George. Please say something, other than 'something' so we can make sure your mics are all working. Go.  
  
George: It is better to have no theater production, than a bad one.  
  
Charles: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours, damn right it's better than yours.  
  
John: I think I'm wearing Charles' pants. Charles? Did you shit in my pants?  
  
Simcoe: Caleb? Caleb?   
  
Caleb [screams from the booth]: I HEAR YOU!  
  
Ben: Thank god. Okay. Everyone to places. PLACES!  
  
Anna: Ben? Congress? Can I let them in?  
  
Ben: Benedict! House lights to half. Don't forget that 80% dimmer that we just set.  
  
Benedict [grumbling to himself]: I don't get paid enough for this shite.  
  
Ben: I heard that. Might want to turn off your god mic.  
  
Benedict: Will do. Not.  
  
Ben: Anna, let Congress in-  
  
George [walks onstage]: I'm hot. Why on earth am I wearing a cloak during a gym scene?  
  
Anna: Here, I'll help you take it off.  
  
Ben: Mother of god. Caleb, come remove his mic first! Caleb? Where's Caleb?  
  
Anna: He's serving the brandy.  
  
Ben: What? I told you to do that! Go get him, please. I'll remove the mic. George, stop fussing. Just a minute. Turn around.  
  
George: A moment. [raises his voice] How long was that lace coupon good for, Townsend?  
  
Townsend: It expires tonight, and the store closes at nine.  
  
George: Damn it. Ben, can I-  
  
Ben: NO! You know what? I can't….I can't do this. I'm going to have a stroke. Where is my assistant director? Alex! ALEX?  
  
Hamilton [sleepily, from the back row of the theater]: What?  
  
Ben: Come up here. Where the hell have you been all this time?  
  
Hamilton: Don't yell at me, you're the one who waited until the last minute to bring me into the production and gave me nothing to do.  
  
Ben: Right. Well, now you're taking over. They're all yours. I'm out. Good luck.  
  
Hamilton: Are you sure you need to do this?  
  
George: Prepare to turn over your Director's notes to Hamilton before you go.  
  
Ben [throws his clipboard & script at Hamilton]: Already done!  
  
[Ben stalks out]  
\-----------------

 


End file.
